Still Trying to See the light

I am MAD tonight, furious, raging & worst yet helpless.

I was sad last night, for many reasons, I mentioned in my previous post about the VT Massacre that a guy who sits right next to me is a student, studying to be a doctor at VT & at that point I was hoping he wouldn’t be involved in this, he’s alive but he’s broken, someone close to him (I didn’t pry & ask who specifically) died in this bloodletting. He walked into work & sat down visibly crying, he told me only that someone dear to him was gone & then he put his headset on & started taking calls, within 5 minutes he had gone into annother co-workers desk, picked up their remote control & turned off the tv above our heads where they were showing continuous coverage of the murderer I wasn’t surprised at all. I was near tears myself just watching this sarcastic, coarse, so rude that I-worry-about-the-feelings-of-his-future-patients -when-he-becomes-a-doctor,  guy break down & try to maintain a normal conversation with people calling in. When something like this happens it points up to me the ridiculous futile, self centered exsistence so many people live. I’ve got people calling in whining because they’re blacked out of baseball games, because it’s raining & they’re going to miss Survivor & here’s all these people dead & all these people in mourning all around me. I counted it up. I personally know at least 5 people who lost someone close to them & am acquainted with annother 7. This hit my area hard, everything is different somehow. After less than an hour on the phone (closer to 30 minutes) my co-worker shut down his computer, logged out of his phone, said “F- this, there’s more important things in the world, I’ll see you in a week or so, maybe” & walked on out. We had been given notice that if any of us needed to go yesterday due to the carnage we could do so without penalty. Aparently though, that only was for yesterday afternoon, they also had a counselor onsite to talk to anyone who needed to talk. I know of annother co-worker who could benefit from the counseling, but I don’t know if he went or not.

Now on to why I’m mad. Annother co-worker’s brother in law died in this. (not the one I mentioned in my previous post, annother one) They left work on Monday when they got the call. Since then they’ve been depressed & today went to the doctors to get some help with something to take for the depression (which is not just about the brother in law, they’ve had a lot of trouble lately- we don’t work on the same shift anymore but we did for well over a year & I know a lot about whats gone on in their life & it’s been a hard year for them)  Today they were late getting to work because of the doctors office running behind & they fired my co-worker.   Just like that. Yes, they have had other late to work & attendance issues. But for heavens sake! I know if one of my siblings-in-law died I would be a mess. I’ve known them all for most of their lives (admittedly, not the case in most peoples lives but my brother & my ex husband were best friends growing up & except for his older sister, I’ve known them since they were born -well his brother was 3 when I met him, but still- he’s what, 27, 28 now? that’s a long time) I am shocked & appalled by my company’s gross ignorance & insensitivity in light of the situation.

Of course, I also can see the practical aspects in the cold hard light of corporate America today, they’re in the process of ‘cutting the dead weight’ so to speak & this person had a high call rate. As an example:  We’re supposed to take at least 6 calls an hour & they were taking about 3. I am scared for all of us in this corporate, hearless world I’m working in. Especially scared by the situation where they’re paying lip service to ‘being here for all of us in this time of great tragedy’  On one hand while the other hand is shoving people out the door saying ‘yeah, sorry ’bout your luck, you’re outta here’ I mean we can take time off to go sit in a room on premises & discuss this with some counselor but not go to our own doctor & get something to help us cope? Oh, yeah, I forgot, the doctor’s office would mean using our ridiculously expensive, barely covers anything, health insurance. That must be it! Thats why they fired S. in spite of our new, alleged, ‘circumstances will be considered before we terminate anyone for attendance from now on’ policy, too much use of the company insurance, we actually got lectured by a senior person by video on the fact that we use too much insurance & it’s our fault they raised the insurance premiums by nearly half.

Yeah, I just might have lots of time for blogging ahead of me if I don’t shut up! I could blog myself right out of a job here. One of my longest standing co-workers has just 3 days left at the job & I’m torn between sadness at not getting to hang out with him anymore & jealousy that he’s getting out while the getting’s good. I was walking around Home Depot the other night thinking to myself, yeah, I could do this. Of course then I came to my senses & reminded myself I couldn’t pay the mortgage on $7 an hour. Un-fortunately, because it sure looks like a much less stressful job.

Tommorow, I promise, a normal post, I’ll stop whining about death & destruction & bitching about my job. I just had to vent tonight is all.


8 thoughts on “Still Trying to See the light

  1. Vent all you want, Becky: it’s important to let it out when tragedy strikes. And writing is as good a catharsis as any.

    May we speak of happier times in future. I wish this had never happened.

  2. Vent away, my friend. We are all feeling the same heartache and anger. My thoughts and prayers are with the many people whose lives have been turned upside down.

    Here via Michele’s,


  3. I’m so sorry about your coworkers. And all of you. It was a stunning, horrible thing that happened and even if the person who got fired deserved it on any other day…this week and that loss was not the time to do it. Who vacuumed out the soul of the supervisor that made THAT decision?

    Here from Michele’s.

  4. Pingback: A year in review- blog style « Am I Half Dead or Am I Doin’ fine?

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