I’m here because mr 9 wants the tv, to tell you the truth, I actually came home took a 20 minute nap in the car before the kids even knew I was home & really just wanted to sit down, eat a bowl of brussels sprouts (with butter & parmesan cheese but no salt- I’m trying, just not as hard as I should) & watch mindless television, I’m behind on a couple of shows from last week & Medium records tonight, although there is something to be said for letting 4 or 5 of the same tv show build up so you can have a fest. Cold Case Fest is  my favorite because that’s my favorite show (which has been on for a few years) my favorite new show is Life On Mars. I’m all into the retr0- past- history I’m afraid.

I was thinking on the way to work this morning about all the skunks around right now. It’s probably because of last weeks wonderful spring like weather. The problem is though that now we have dead skunks all over the place, right after I cross the county line back into my county each day after work, in a half mile stretch there are 2 dead skunks & then on my way down the secondary road I take after the main road there’s another 2 of them dead on the side of the road. There’s another one on the road from the county seat going towards my house & another dead one on the way from the main road to ms 19’s work. I smell them everywhere, on all roads & on the highway lately. What is causing this mass skunk suicide?

On my way to get ms 19 from work last Tuesday ( I drive a back road to reach her place of work that is not my normal way home) I saw a live skunk waddling off the road into a field, the really amazing things about him were that he was huge, the circufrence of a basketball around! & remarkably long, and his white stripe section was large & looked teased, Vince Neil circa 1988 had nothing on this skunk! He’s the first live one I’ve seen this year & I was glad I didn’t have to wreck my car to avoid hitting him because I haven’t hit anything at all with this car yet & would prefer not to.

When I was a teenager my brother (& my father) were avid fly fishermen, they would get up early (I mean like 4 in the morning) and drive to the cape & fish, then come home, they were catch & release people & we didn’t expect them to come home with anything, not catching anything at all didn’t bother my father in the least, he was very zen about it, my brother however would be in a pissed off mood if he spent the day fishing & didn’t catch anything, or didn’t catch anything but bluegill & pike (the days of excitement at any catch- including bluegill & pike were back when I was still willing to go along)

Ben’s word for not catching a fish all day was “Skunked” I believe my father would use that one t0o (it’s been awhile) One day a friend of mine (who was a little ditsy to say the least) was at my home when my brother & father arrived after a fishing trip, they came in, my father walking, my brother stalking in that way which told me it hadn’t been successful at all & of course I had to ask: “So how was the fishing?” “We got skunked” my brother announced, grabbed a banana & left the room. K, the friend who was there started freaking out, sniffing the air & getting upset, she thought he meant they’d actually been sprayed. My father & I had some doing to convince her that skunked merely meant they had caught no fish, not that they actually encountered a skunk.

And, of course, I never lived it down. My father was a tease & after that he always refered to her as the literal minded one who couldn’t grasp a concept. Sigh.

One of mr 9’s favorite jokes, without which this thoughtful post on skunks could not be complete (or so he says)
Once there was a mother skunk, she had 2 baby skunks which she named In & Out, One day In was outside their home & Out was in their home with their mother. The mother skunk said to Out “go out & find your brother & tell In to come in here” Out went outside & not two seconds later they were back. “That was quick how did you find your brother so fast?” mother skunk said to Out, Out replied “it was easy- Instinct”

When I think of how many changes 22 years has wrought I am shocked, yes, technically there were cell phones when I first came to the place I now live (way back in 1987) but they were few & far between unless you were rich, (like Kennedys- the first one I ever saw was in 1985 in the hand of one Kennedy or another while they were driving route 3 to the cape & I was just on my way home on route 3, riding in my uncle’s car- he is who pointed the Kennedy car out to me as a matter of fact & also my only Kennedy sighting in my whole life!) self important (my father used to tell the story of a boss he had for awhile who would be all over his cell phone showing it off- call home & get in some petty silly argument with one of his kids- & look more the fool for it)  or truly important (like doctors) or some combination of the 3.

We used to talk about tvs in limosines for people to watch while riding around, now people my kids’ ages have & expect to have tvs in their parent’s min vans & suv’s while they’re just going to the mall or on vacation. The day cable came to my home town of Rockland MA (1985) was a huge day for my brother & I we had 58 channels! (that includes the HBO/Cinemax package my parents so extravagantly sprung for) this was before vh1, mtv2 or fuse, there was mtv & that was all. Videos, videos & Remote Control that was the whole channel 24 hours a day.

Now, for a remarkable low price (made even lower by the fact that I’m employed by the company) I have 200+ channels most of which I have no interest in (especially mtv- not because I don’t like the music- although I’m much more a rock fan than a hip hop fan & that’s what they seem to play mos on the rare occasion they actually play music- I just hate all the stupid shows- & especially the so called reality type shows. I won’t subject anyone bored enough to be reading this to a diatribe on that issue.

That’s only a couple of the changes, I could go on, but this was just supposed to be a short post. I’ve been thinking about changes, the differences between then & now, how many things seemed so much more complicated then & are simple now (I never worry about how I look or what to do with my hair- I really just don’t care)  & how many things seem so difficult now that I wasn’t aware of back then (I didn’t grasp taxes, insurance or the importance of people not throwing their trash on the floor back then & all 3 are heavily factored in my daily thoughts now)

Mostly because it’s that lovely time of year when the company I work for makes us update our health insurance, since the ex isn’t coming through with even half the child support he’s supposed to that past few months & hasn’t called since Christmas day I’m feeling like the kids’ insurance is not going to be forthcoming from him after all. Which means I have to think about it, it’s a lot through my company, I was considering the low level plan but the deductible is so high it wasn’t really worth it (the high level plan is not much better)

Then I started reading about the HSP = Health Savings Plan it sounded wonderful!

* I could save money toward medical expenses.
* Use a debit card to pay the doctor’s visit fee (a lot better than paying her off $20 bucks at a time every 2 weeks until I’m through paying off mr 9’s stitches from December in March)
* I could pay into it, the company matches my contributions.
* I could get a pap smear finally (it’s been 4 years & since I had cervical cancer back in 1987/88, I’m supposed to keep those up) as our doctor reminds me every time I see her.
* I could even use this magic debit card for over the counter medicine, so if the kids needed cold medicine or I needed nasal spray or aspirin we wouldn’t need to wait until my next paycheck.
* If I didn’t use what the company & I contributed to this wonderful plan at the end of the year I could roll it over into a savings account which I could use either for medical expenses later in life or for general needs if I waited until after I was 65.

Well of course, all things that sound too good to be true are too good to be true. I finally, after reading the information over (for the third time, because I was reading it during quiet time between customers at work & I tend to miss things with all the picking it up & putting it down) I caught the factor that made the difference. I had to be enrolled in the high level health insurance plan in order to qualify to save my own money in this HSP thing.

Why? why? WHY? would that be? What in the world would I need a health savings plan for when I had insurance? Why would I spend nearly $140 a pay check on insurance & then contribute yet more money to a savings plan that I can’t just use for whatever I want whenever I want it?

They have a health savings plan that doesn’t require the insurance too, but it covers less, has no company match & if you don’t spend all the money you put in by the end of the year you lose it. What is the point of that? I suppose it would be ok if you could get your money out in time, but other than a general health checkup for each of us once a year, who’s to say what else we might need?
I couldn’t have forseen mr 9’s stepping on that cookie cutter, I do know I should be keeping up with the pap smear, but to have it done is not just the $60-$85 cost of the doctor’s visit but also another $125 (or, it was in 2004) lab fees. There’s just no telling. And here is just another way the insurance companies are screwing us over.

…. Hate- I hate football the most.

I used to tolerate it- when I was a 8-9 & slightly older kid- I liked going to Harvard Football games with my Grandmother – who was a huge college football fan – especially for Harvard (because her cousin went there & was captain of the football team in 1949) I liked going because it was fun to go with her & see my normally staid sedate grandmother yell- scream & pound her fist on the cement wall in front of her season ticket- seats.

When I was an older child- still a teenager- it was fun because of that great love of all teenage girls everywhere- college guys- I saw a lot of really interesting things over the years & even more exciting was when my favorite cousin J would come with her parents (also season ticket holders) & we would be allowed to walk around alone & talk.

I admit- none of my focus was on football. My Grandmother gave me a few quick cursory instructions in the general rules of the game back when I first went with her (I believe I was 8- got to ride the bus to Boston alone on Saturday morning for the first time that day too! I can’t imagine letting one of my kids ride a bus anywhere in MA without me there too- even ms 19!)

I didn’t really understand the game then & I have cultivated an aura of  not understanding ever since I don’t know a down from a penalty or what any of those arcane signals the referees give on the field (even after long hours studying the cartoon John Harvard demonstrating them in the program which my grandmother bought Every. Single. Week- crates of them were disposed of when my home was sold by my grandmother in 1991)

My dislike of football deepened when I was emotionally involved with ms 19’s dad. He was a sports nut (mostly due to his drinking – if there was a game there was a ‘party’ at least in his head) And it didn’t matter who was playing or what the sport was- he was there. So when I began to consider dating again after ms 19 passed her second birthday my first priority was ‘not a sports fan’

The Ex was not a sports fan- or so he claimed- except for hockey he said he didn’t care about any sports & I found after some prolonged exposure to hockey that I could follow it- I could get a lot of embroidering done while I followed it with him & I could definitely get behind him playing- I love hot cocoa & we’d always stay & take ms 19 skating during free skate after the games he played in.

This was up to about 1993-1994. Then the Patriots started getting good at what they do. And all of a sudden I was married to a football fan. He wasn’t a football fan he tried to tell me – he was a Patriots fan.  He was immune to my grandmother’s comments about fair weather friends & that the NFL was corrupt & true football fans watch college football. (all of this rolled off me like water off a duck’s ass-I didn’t care if it was ‘pure’ football- ‘corrupt’ football or European football- I didn’t want to watch it.)

I also found over time that there were some slight benefits to football- to get me to sit & watch the Superbowl many years in a row my ex plied me with lobster- steamers & other delicacies we would have friends in & party a little while the game was on & for a few years I would at least pay attention to the commercials.

The year the ex left- I was quite pleased to be oblivious to all sports especially football & unaware of the Superbowl except peripherally when the neighbors were excited their team won.  Then I got my current Job.

I discovered that there are people out there crazy enough to spend over $100. in any economy- to view the football games of their alma mater.

I found there are people who will re-point their dish in order to receive the
signal to get the channel “their game” is on.

I found that grown men will cry if I can’t get their signal back or their picture back in time for “the game”

And that other men will become verbally abusive if I don’t apologize enough.

Or don’t show enough knowledge of their favorite sport.

(women tend to be meaner than men but they seem to like baseball better- in my 7+ year- nationwide sampling)

I have had people take me to task for not even knowing who was playing (and for caring even less)

I have had entire rooms full of people cheer when I was able to fix the problem before the game began.

I have had 30+ people boo me when I couldn’t get things working

I also think people are a lot ruder & meaner when they have a houseful of guests & no game to watch with them (Understandable- must be embarrassing)

I have had people insist I say I would root for their team & get rude when I tried to decline.

I have never never had a day such as today though. I think I’ve mentioned that the chat function I work with allows me to help up to 3 people- other agents- actual customers or a combination of the two. Today we all were on 3 chats all the time (back in July/August it was like that all day every day but they trained more people & we’re only at 2 chats once in a great while- the last time I had 3 chats at a time was when – ahem- College football season started)

And at least one of the chats I was on all day long was someone with football issues- fix it so I can see “the game” get a tech here today so I can see “the game” give me a credit because I’m going to miss “the game”And then there were the ubiquitous people signing off their chats with “go cards” or “go stealers” or is that steelers? I don’t know & I really really don’t want to!

We are getting down to it now. I didn’t think it would be so hard to do this- of course I decided to make it historical & put a comment on every song. I didn’t really consider how hard it might be to share some of these memories. So if it seems like I’m obfuscating or not elaborating like I did before- you’ll just have to accept it.

24. Bittersweet Symphony~ The Verve Pipe- 1998- The song at the end of the movies Cruel Intentions. Which of course is a modern day retelling of Dangerous Liaisons & a fairly sad story. I saw this movie with the ex about 2 months before we ended our marriage & then found out later it was what he used to seduce the girl he left me for & that they considered it ‘their’ movie. Which was painful- considering I’d heard something very similar from him after we watched it together (I wasn’t mean enough to tell the new GF that though- more fool I)

23. Ride On ~ Ac/Dc - 1976- ‘I got patches on the patches of my old blue jeans- well they used to be blue- when they used to be new- when they used to be clean’ A song about hitchhiking which I did a lot of as a teenager & young adult. Also when I was a teenager my mother & I played that game where she wouldn’t buy me any new clothes until I lost weight & I refused to lose weight ‘for’ her & so wore holey jeans which I was constantly patching so the lyrics resonate.

22. Wish you Were Here ~ Pink Floyd – 1975- Ahem- I had a crush on someone who wasn’t there for a ridiculously long time & this song still makes me think of him.

21. Tangled up in Blue ~ Bob Dylan – 1975-Well of course there’s that line about wondering if her hair was still red. Mostly though this one makes me think of my uncle who is a huge Dylan fan. He was 18 when I was born & baby sat my brother & I fairly often when we were young. In turn as a teenager living with him & his family & then later living with my grandmother I took care of his kids a lot. The first time I ever conciously heard this song was a time early in my years living with my grandmother. My uncle’s family went on vacation & I stayed at their house & house-sat for them (this would have been late spring in 1988). The first night there I went to use his stereo (my first access ever to a 6 disc cd changer) I put it on shuffle turned all the speakers on (he had them wired throughout the whole house) & went to the kitchen to prepare dinner (huge- lovely victorian house! I could write a whole post on the glories of that house- of course no one but me would ever read it) This song was the first song to pour from the speakers- I’ve loved it ever since.

20. Subdivisions ~ Rush-1982- The song that got me into Rush. I remember listening to it on WCOZ. I liked it better than the song from the same album which gained the majority of radio play – New World Man. My brother & I bought the album (one each- we did not share well with one another) a few weeks later. In spite of our divergent tastes over the years Rush was one band my brother & I could always agree on. Seeing them at the Fleet center (yes- I know it’s not called that any longer) in 1997 is still one of the concert going highlights of my life.

19. Voodoo ~ Godsmack – 1999- I swear I never heard this song until 2000- late 2000 at that- I suppose I  shouldn’t broadcast my out of it-ness but it was a weird time for me. Knowing my marriage was effectively over in my heart- but not wanting to deal with it or the pain & torture my ex was heaping on me. This song for whatever reason- is one which was very comforting to me during our separation & in the many months while we were taking care of the divorce long distance.

18. South Central Rain (I’m Sorry) ~ R.E.M. 1984- Remember when Michael Stipe had hair? REM was one of the bands my brother & I both liked up until the end of his life- this song makes me think of him.

17. In The End ~ Linkin Park- 2001-See Voodoo- except that I know I was hearing this song in November 2000- when everything I can find suggests it didn’t come out until 2001. It was also very comforting to me during my separation & divorce- of course- with those lyrics- how could it not be: “I tried so hard & got so far & in the end it doesn’t even matter” they completely sum up my marriage in retrospect.

16. Tonight Tonight ~ Smashing Pumpkins- 1996- I just like the sound of this song- the 1900’s video helps too- I’m a sucker for that particular time & look.

15. Outshined ~ Soundgarden-1991- I never realized that this song & the one below were recorded so far apart in time. I always think of the two of them as a piece- I love them both. I can totally understand that line about looking California & feeling Minnesota  in this song but I think the #1 reason I love this song is it’s one I can sing along to really well! (ahem- in the car with no witnesses that is)

14. I Stay Away ~ Alice in Chains – 1994- This song is beautiful & for a long time summed up my feelings about almost the whole world- up until last year that is- now I’m pretty much back to considering all but the select few people I know well & online friends the only trustworthy people in the world & I stay away from the rest.

13. Take a Picture ~ Filter- 2000-I don’t know exactly why I love this song so much – but it’s a pretty one & I like the end where he seems to be ranting about his father’s  opinion of him. I do often think of what my father would think of me now especially since I am nowhere near his opinion of physical beauty- I at least didn’t go all Badlands like he predicted I would.

12. Miss You ~ Blink 182- 2003- In researching exactly what year it was  I was hearing this song- I found out that although this song was nowhere near Blink 182’s highest chart topper it went platinum anyway because of the cult following.

11. Love Alive ~ Heart- 1977- Umm this is a song which 18’s real dad liked a lot- I absorbed his liking for it & it makes me think of him still- luckily I don’t have it on mp3 & I no longer have a tape deck.

10. Time After Time ~ Ozzy Osbourne- 1991- Probably my favorite Ozzy song. Although You Can’t Kill Rock & Roll & I Just Want You are biggies in my book too. For all his faults & mumbling he’s a pretty great lyricist. (I never watched the Osbournes on MTV just in case anyone was wondering- I prefer to think of him as the prince of darkness thank you very much)

09. One Thing ~ Finger Eleven -2003- I like this one a lot- nice sentiment.

08. Gold Dust Woman~ Fleetwood Mac-1977- This song makes me think of Chrissie- “pick your path & I’ll pray” indeed!

07. November Rain ~ Guns & Roses -1992- It would seem that there’s a Guns & Roses song for every relationship I’ve had. This was the ex’s & my song (though it wasn’t our wedding song- it should have been) I especially think of learning to play it on the piano.

06. Far Away ~ The Offspring – 1997- death- how he’d trade if he could- pretty much how I feel about my brother.

05. Over the Hills & Far Away ~ Led Zeppelin- 1973- This is such a pretty song & I had a thing as a teenager where my day was not complete if I didn’t hear it. I did a lot of walking back then & my walkman radio was my constant companion especially when I was walking to work in the rain I would hear this particular song- so often that I think of gray rainy days when I hear it to this day.

04. Under Pressure ~ Queen & David Bowie-1981- this particular song has enjoyed a resurgence in my life just recently- probably because of the pressured lifestyle I’m leading – much to my annoyance.

03. -Sugar Mountain ~ Neil Young- 1965- This song became Virginia for me- I was here at 19 & didn’t really fit in anywhere- there were all the hippie types with their kids & their concerns & there were all the kids- but almost none of them were anywhere near my age- “you can’t be 20 on sugar mountain- although it seems that you’re leaving there too soon” So I left & came back & left & came back again before I felt like I could stay forever. (I admit though- guilt over my mother’s age & no one to take care of her- does sometimes make me feel like I should go back to MA- since my mother refuses to come here to VA)

02. What I got ~ Sublime -1997- Words to live by.

01. Can’t Find My Way Home~ Blind Faith -1969- I’m sure this one is not a surprise to anyone who has ever read this blog for more than a post here or there- it’s just such a pretty song!

It’s funny how one thing leads to another- when I wrote this it was supposed to be the lead in to another thought- a whole different post & it became a post on it’s own- one which was – I guess- more up to date & modern.

It took me so long to write the part I wrote that day- that I didn’t have time to write the rest & I also felt like there was enough there for 1 post & so I stopped- unusual for me. I admit as I do suffer from run on-itis when it comes to writing things.

When I was a kid my parents had company often- it was unsurprising to me when I was 3-4-5 & even older- for one of my parents to wake me late at night (probably only 9 or 10 really- my mother is a low energy person & when she could do so she sent me to bed early- I remember being 10 or 11 & in bed before it was dark in the summer which in MA means 9 or so)

In contrast my kids are up until 10 most school nights (not really because I want them to be- if I had my druthers I’d be in bed by 10 & they’d have already been there an hour or more- however I realize that they’re every bit the night owl I was & of course- they don’t listen unless I yell really loud to let them know I mean it & I don’t like to do that over something as trivial as bedtime)

The parent- which ever one it was -would usually say something like “do you want to wake up & play with Heather- or Stephanie?” Or one of their other friend’s kids (names have been changed to protect the innocent- almost all of whom I don’t know any longer)

I would always get up & we’d play with the play kitchen or build with the blocks until all too soon it was time for the friend to go & for me to go back to bed. In later years the parents still came but they often came during the day when my brother & I were home because of being homeschooled & so my parent’s friends wouldn’t have their kids with them because they were in school.

There was also the sub-genre of homeschool families- we would have visits with parents who were considering it (how I met Chrissie) parents who were considering moving to the area & often- visits with people we had met that way.

Eventually this evolved into a monthly “homeschoolers meeting” where the kids would try to play together & the mothers (& a few fathers- at least occasionally) would coffee klatch it up in the kitchen. We adopted a rotating schedule- traveling around the south shore to different families homes for this monthly meeting & so I have many great memories of Debbie’s waterbed & walking at Brant Rock beach in Marshfeild in the cold weather & checking out the ice formations made by the tide.

I soon learned that it was a lot more interesting when my parents had company & even at the homeschoolers meetings to sit quietly in the kitchen while everyone was chatting- you heard all kinds of things that way.

From how H was a drunk but was quitting & going to AA- only to have that same H who had drank coffee & discussed this ad nauseum for hours one week- show up the next week 3 sheets to the wind so that my father had to drive him home & bring his long suffering wife back to get their car. 

To how one of my father’s friend Jim worked as a building supervisor & maintenance man & while snaking a drain in one apartment accidentally brought the snake up in another apartment’s drain- hooked a kitchen rug & tried to drag it down the kitchen drain! (a side-splitting tale the way Jim told it- which I get the giggles even now- 25+ years later just thinking about)

To how difficult a life the devout catholic family in our homeschooling group had because they wouldn’t use birth control (this was actually not said at a HS meeting but during a visit between my mother & her best homeschooling friend.)

By the time I was 13 or 14 if someone did come to the house my brother & I would converge on the kitchen- we were so bored being homeschooled- while we did have 9 acres of woods behind the house to explore- we knew them well & we learned soon after starting homeschooling that going out walking around on the streets during school hours brought un-wanted attention from adults who wanted to know why we weren’t in school so a day in our house during the homeschool years was interminable & company a very welcome distraction.

Now of course- in an ideal world (my mother’s idea of how it should be) our ‘boredom’ would make us seek her out to learn things & we’d have great learning sessions. Honestly the first 2 or so years were like that & my brother even carried it through for longer- because he knew that’s what she wanted of him.

I wasn’t the sort of person to put myself out to do anything like learn unpleasant subjects like math or punctuation if no one made me do it. So my mother’s school lists for me ran to 30-40 books in a month (no lie- I would take 15-20 books from the library every 2 weeks & had at least 2 or 3 books I owned also in progress at the same time)

She also counted cooking time – by the time I was 11 I was cooking at least 1 night a week because she was an unimaginative cook & I got sick of the same 10-14 meals over & over again. (of course- I am now too- but I was a SAHM for almost the whole decade between 1990 & 2000 so I got sick of cooking & I also blame starting so early in my life too!)

Back to the visiting- I was seldom the sort to stop by people’s houses- when I lived on my own with Chrissie & then in VA I wouldn’t go anywhere without Chrissie’s influencing me into it- although I was always happy to see people when they’d stop by my house. The same when I was living with ms 18’s dad- it was an unusual situation though.

I was a little more into it when ms 18 was a baby & I’d go for my 1 week a month visit with my parents on the south shore- for that week- while I had a car (I didn’t have one of my own living with my grandmother because I couldn’t afford one) I would visit friends – some homeschoolers- some from other parts of my past- all over the south shore.

I started to feel funny about it though- like I was intruding upon their lives- they were busy- some were cool about it- I got in the habit of going to Gail’s on Thursday nights (this was 1990-1991) & watching the Simpsons with her & her boyfriend & sometimes her daughters who were college aged (2 & 3 years younger than me) & not always around.

Then my ex & I got together. He liked to just show up at people’s houses- his parents in particular & other family members & friends houses too. I felt bad especially because we had ms 18 in tow (she was 2- 3- 4 up to 6- when her sister was born & I didn’t want to drop by & impose so much & fussed about it more)

I reflected over the holidays how I didn’t feel like I could visit friends or even the ex’s family without our goodie bag gifts- which I haven’t made yet & don’t think I’m going to do at all. It just didn’t seem right to show up without anything to give them- like I needed an excuse to visit- which it seems- I do.

But if you’re ever out this way- don’t wait for an invitation – just stop by!

(well- you should call first- when you’re at least 15 minutes away or we won’t have the house cleaned up yet & you’re likely to get an eyeful!)

I was discussing chess with a coworker the other day and telling him how I taught each of my kids to play chess & all of them- even mr 9 can beat me at it already. I had the same thing happen with my ex- although I expected that- he thinks 4 moves in advance about everything- which is part of the reason I worry so about him calling or showing up unexpectedly.

So in speaking about this with D (who comforted me by claiming to suck at chess too) I remembered one time I did beat my father at chess- my father started teaching me chess when I was about 3 or 4 years old & was beating me at the game (& Scrabble & Monopoly & multiple card games) from then on. He would sometimes give me extra things- like Boardwalk & Park Place at the beginning of a Monopoly game – or double money and he would still always win. My mother claims to this day that he cheated at all games – she just can’t seem to detail how.

So one day when I was 12 my father had been out jogging (I got my weight from him- when I was 8 he started jogging & went from being somewhere around 240 to 165 pounds – where he stayed the rest of his life- he always maintained that if I’d just run I’d be able to eat anything I wanted- I can’t run though- my boobs are too big) he would always sit in the kitchen & have a beer & then go take a shower. He agreed to my wheedling to play a game of Chess after he finished his shower. Finished his beer & went to take his shower.

While he was showering I set the game up on the kitchen table. My mother was in her rocking chair there in the kitchen with me- reading a book (As always) And then there was a knock at the door. It was a friend of my fathers who was on his way back from somewhere & just stopped by. He sat down had a cup of coffee with my mother & looked over the chess board. It turned out- though none of us knew it- that this friend Ray I’ll call him- had been a very good – professional I think- chess player.

So as a joke on my father he taught me a very quick & easy trap to put my father in on the chess board- with which I could beat my father in about 5 moves! As I mentioned before- my mother was of the opinion that my father cheated so was compliant in not saying anything & sat back to watch my father get beaten! When my father came back downstairs he tried to bow out of the chess game saying since Ray was there it was rude to play a game- Ray insisted we go ahead & play & my father acquiesced saying only 1 game though & that he’d make it quick. It was quick alright- but not because of him!

Ray sat at the table between us & watched. I know I did poorly in acting as if nothing was going on- but my mother & Ray kept completely straight faces & I think Ray being there unexpectedly had my father distracted enough that he didn’t pay attention to my state of high excitement. I beat him using Ray’s trick & he was mad! Really mad until Ray & my mother started laughing & explained the joke. My father loved a joke as much as he loved winning & he did see the humor in it. (He saw it less when about 6 months later I used the same trick again & beat him a second time because he’d forgotten about it- I was told in no uncertain terms not to try it again if I wanted to play chess with him)

Funny though- how competitive he was & how I am not at all competitive- the reverse actually- I’d rather let someone who really cares about the game – whatever it may be- win rather than beat them badly. That’s one reason Chrissie & I like to play games like Monopoly- Scrabble & Rummy together – because we’re usually pretty evenly matched in most games & so often tie or draw when we play. We also both are more about playing & having fun than we are about winning which makes it nice.

Feeling a little backwards today.

Palindromes were one of my father’s favorite things. Madam I’m Adam- Able was I ere I saw Elba. I wish he could’ve seen this. (which is where I got the title)

The point however- was not palindromes but Voting. I got my sticker from Moms Rising today (I signed up for it so long ago I’d forgotten that I’d done so) & coincidentally my Obama stickers & 1 of the signs I ordered also arrived. (I guess they’re out of the yard signs)

I also finished watching Uncounted on the DVR last night & was feeling rather odd in general about everything voting related. I was thinking of my first voting ever (Dukakis against Bush1 in 1988) Which was done by absentee ballot because while I was living with my grandmother in Haverhill I hadn’t given up my residence at my parent’s house in Rockland yet (If I remember correctly I may have had some residual insurance from my mother which meant I had to act as if I was still there – in spite of being in Virginia- Haverhill- Maine & New Hampshire 98% of the time.)

I started thinking about how depressing & anti climactic voting by absentee was. I had grown up being taken with my parents when they went to vote & was not pleased about missing the drama of going to the high school – especially in the later years when I ’should’ have been going there myself.

My mother never missed an election & always voted. My father always acompanied her & often voted on questions. He never voted for anyone (or at least almost never- he did occasionally vote against some people) He always said not to vote for politicians because ‘it only encourages them’ And he at least always told me he voted for Dizzy Gillespie if I was rude enough to ask if he had voted & for whom.

The year Clinton beat Bush1 The ex- ms 18 & I were living in an apartment in our hometown of Rockland. We lived close enough to the High School to walk over & vote & my friend J parked at our place & walked with us. She was a political science major in college & was maintaining that we would be voting for her in 20 years or so. She also flat out refused to discuss her choice for president that year. Since the ex & I were pretty open in our choice of Clinton I do believe she voted for Bush1. I wouldn’t have put it past her to vote for Perot though.

When Clinton ran for re-election Ms 12 was an infant. I went to the Library with the ex to vote but I’d been taken off the rolls (even though I had voted in the primary) somehow & had to go over to city hall to re-instate my vote – they explained it would be a provisional ballot (I heard more on this in Uncounted too) and since my 6 month old began to scream half-way through their explanation I had to give it up for the day & leave keeping the U.S. safe for democracy to everyone else. (they didn’t let me down)

We were here in VA from September of 97 forward & so 2000 was my first election down here- I had voted in the gubernatorial elections previously & so was bemused but not surprised by the antiquated actual lever activated voting machine- similar to the ones my parents voted on when I was very young – in much more up-to date MA.

The ex left me permanently November 8 2000- the Mess of that election is tied up in my mind with the death throes of my marriage – not a pretty sight either way. I do remember we had two facing couches in the trailer living room with the tv at the foot of them. We each sat on one couch & watched that count up & back. He wasn’t working at the time (nothing new) & it seemed like we sat there for days (we did- at least 3 or 4 of them) watching them hash it out on CNN & recount and arguing about what happened next in our lives during the commercial breaks.

2004 I was worried & it turns out with good reason. I had Tuesdays off back then. I went early & was one of only 2 or 3 people there at the time. I was not happy to see touch screen voting booths but what can you do? Of course Kerry lost. 2006 I stood in line- for quite awhile but my ‘team’ won so it was worth it. I’m not looking forward to this year. After the 2006 senate race I worry about going before work because what if they’re crowded & I’m late to work? And I worry about going after work because what if there’s a long line they close the polls before I get to vote?

I have made up my mind that I’ll go before work & if I’m late my company will have to deal with it. There’s no help for it at all. I’m not going to shirk my civic duty for my paycheck.

Picture notes: Mr 9 with fake tattooed vampire bite marks from my vampire safety kit courtesy of my workplace (he says his teachers just shook their heads & his classmates thought they were real) one of our kittens brought downstairs by ms 12- the apparently apropriately named (by mr 9) Flash – she is remarkably quick on her tiny little paws.

49. Candy’s Room~ Bruce Springsteen – 1978- I first became aware of this song when I was about 15 1984 that would have been – I was living with my uncle & his wife – sort of as an Au Pair (though I got paid a lot less- try $25 a week with room & board + cable which my parents didn’t have at home- I was crazy enough about music that I probably would have done it for room-board & the cable I loved me some MTV back then)

48. ~ Clocks ~ Coldplay - 2005- Just another pretty song- I admit that because of having 6 years of piano lessons as a kid- I’ve always appreciated any rock band that can accommodate keyboard/piano & still be a great band (not wussy as my brother would have said- though I admit – I couldn’t say what he might have thought of Coldplay!)

47. ~ Shelf in the Room ~ Days of the New – 1998 – This song makes me think of my brother-in-law. He came to visit us once on a late February day the year this song was big & I was jokingly making fun of the song being about a shelf & he went out of his way to explain to me that the guy was saying that the shelf was the only thing which was a constant in his life – which I knew- but on that false spring day as he & my ex & I cleaned out our mustangs (he had one at that time too you see) it was just adorable how earnestly he tried to explain it.

46. ~ The Flame ~ Cheap Trick – 1988- Ah- old flames – there was this guy- we worked together- his mother didn’t like me- I thought I’d never get over it. 18 months later I had to look at the 3 pictures of us together to remember what he looked like!

45. ~ You Can’t Kill Rock And Roll ~ Ozzy Osbourne – 1982- Probably close to my favorite Ozzy song except for one other. This one is heavily connected in my mind with the time I spent at the local high school radio station as a young teenager. 13 to 15 are such an ugly time in a teenage girl’s life!

43. ~ Magic Power ~ Triumph – 1981- yes I admit- I love this song- I know many consider Triumph a watered down version of Rush & I’d be the first to admit that Rush is a much better band but still- I love this song.

42. ~ Patience ~ Guns & Roses- 1988- This one makes me think of 18’s dad. I remember decorating the Christmas tree alone that year & playing this over & over thinking about him & wishing he was there etc. The usual immature stuff- I was only 19 after all & having been homeschooled I was way behind most people my age socially. I made up for it in spades later though!

41. ~ Live to Tell ~ Madonna- 1986- This was the year I should have graduated high school. Having watched 18 go through it all I think I’m just as glad I was homeschooled. In all it was a busy year between Chrissie & my other close friend K. I had a lot of fun. Most of which my parents were clueless about & would not have been pleased about! About the song though- this was a guilty pleasure for me because I was into hard rock & heavy metal- my brother would have pilloried me for liking a Madonna song but this song really struck me & of course once I could I rented the movie it’s from (At Close Range) -still one of my very favorite movies.

40. ~ I Believe in Father Christmas ~ Greg Lake – 1975- Anyone who’s read this blog close to Christmas knows I love this song. Depressing or not it sums up much of my feelings about a holiday which I both love & hate on many many levels.

39. ~ Bad Seamstress Blues ~ Cinderella- 1988- Ah- just a good song. I had to have some hair metal on here somewhere right? I remember listening to it on my walkman while waiting for the bus to take me home after work – when I was living with 18’s dad- right around the time when I found out that I was pregnant- sunset over North Weymouth- hmmm- probably no one’s favorite time & place but the clouds were always pretty.

38. ~ Battle of Evermore ~ Led Zeppelin -1974- The song before Stairway to Heaven on the album (yes I do own the album- I actually have a second copy still sealed in shrink wrap because my crazy cousin K. gave me one for Christmas one year & I was afraid to tell her I already had it- because she’s crazy) I just think it’s a really pretty song & overlooked because of Stairway. (I can play Stairway to Heaven on the piano though)

37. ~ One Headlight ~ The Wallflowers -1996- Bob Dylan’s son. My ex & I made a lot of good memories to this CD.

36. ~ Scarborough Fair ~ Simon & Garfunkel – Another one like American Pie & Country Roads which is just firmly implanted in my being since I was a child- long before I can remember hearing this song I knew it. It also has a lot of heavy memory for me because – as I know I’ve mentioned before- the summer of 1991 my father died & as a by-product of that my grandmother stayed with my mother most of the time so it was 18 & I alone at the Birthplace where we lived with my grandmother normally- without a car & with very little outside contact- my uncle dropped my cousins J&J off for me to babysit & my crazy cousin K who still spoke to me back then took me grocery shopping every week but otherwise it was mostly just 18 & I. I decided to teach myself to play this song on the piano- I was bored with the classical stuff I had & there’s only so many times you can play You Light up My life- Solitaire & Sister Christian. So I learned this song- it’s polyphonic- the left hand plays a heavy intricate melody while the right comes in with a different- equally intricate melody. I learned it well but now – when I play it on the piano I’m transported back to that half crazy time of grief & pain + knowing I had to keep it together because I was responsible for another life & couldn’t lie in bed all day or go to pieces. I learned a lot about being a grown up that summer & it’s one I wouldn’t want to repeat.

35. ~ Jack & Diane ~ John Mellancamp -1982- Babysitting my cousin J. Who was 2 then. Watching actual MTV for the first time ever. Of all the songs of John Mellancamp (and I admit- I do like him) this is still my favorite because of the video.

34. ~ Black ~ Pearl Jam -1993- A weird time in my life. The ex & I had been dating & lived together for about 7 months & moved to NC to stay with his dad. That didn’t work out too well between his step mother & I so my grandmother sent me money & 18 & I (she was then 3) moved to Floyd all on our own. I was alone without family or many friends (though I did have some & make more slowly) this song came out & it just fit- It would come on the radio & I would have to use all my restraint- even going out & taking ms 18 for a drive in the car to keep from calling the ex- sometimes I failed- after about 5 months just as I was starting to feel like it was going to be ok & he wasn’t integral to my life after all. He showed up at my house & asked me to take him back.

33. ~ Fade Into You ~ Mazzy Starr – 1994- Another space of time where the ex left- just got on a bus while I was at work one night & I came home to my grandmother & daughter to find him gone. All packed up & gone. Once again- might have been better off ending it there.

32. ~ Come On People ~ The Youngbloods – My hippie side coming out. Although I admit to being a lot too materialistic to be able to be considered a hippie any longer.

31. ~ Big Hard Sun~ Eddie Vedder -2007- many people missed this one- I’m not really sure why I love it so much- but it fit a heavy time in my life last year & I haven’t let it go yet.

30. ~ Morning Has Broken – (traditional) – You can say it’s ‘by’ Cat Stevens but it was a hymn long before that & it’s always been my favorite hymn (yes I did go to church every week when I was young)

29. ~ Always ~ Saliva -2002- Another one of those yearning after a lost love songs which I love but am not sure why- though this is a good song anyway. I especially remember mr 9 loved it when it came out & was on the radio. He was 3 at the time but seemed to understand & enjoy the ‘I love you- I hate you- I can’t live without you’ line especially. As I’m sure most kids do on some level.

28. ~ Wasted ~ Def Leppard -1979- One many have never heard- I was torn as to which to include on this list- this one or Overture- another song most don’t know. Because critics declaimed Def Leppard’s first effort as poor most people don’t bother with it. I did because I was a huge fan (you can read that any way you’d like) and I love this song – just a little more than the other one I mentioned & – because it brings back memories of when I first got it in 1984- while living with my uncle’s family – & I wanted to include it on this list.

27. ~ How Soon Is Now ~ The Smiths – 1984- “I am human & I need to be loved” Well- yes- we all do. I often find many people forget that though. I admit- I didn’t catch this song really in 1984. What did it for me was the reprise in “The Wedding Singer” the guitar riff was familiar but I couldn’t place it. Then when I did I was skeptical that it was really as old as it was.

26. ~ Changes ~ Black Sabbath - 1974- Old sad song. My best memory about this song is from a day in 2001 I was taking Ms 12 & mr 9 somewhere (they were 2 & 5 at the time) & I was playing a tape with this song on it. We were all still a little shell shocked from the visit we had taken to Illinois to see the ex (their dad) graduate from Navy Boot Camp- while we were there he & I had decided definitely for sure that our marriage was over for good. ms 12/5 said to me: ‘that man is very sad’ I nodded in agreement & she continued with a sigh as if the weight of the world rested upon her 5 year old shoulders & said sadly ‘I know just how he feels’ she was so cute as she said it I couldn’t stop from smiling about it a little as I assured her that her dad loved her just as much from Illinois as he had when he was right at our house.

25. ~ The Circle Game ~ Joni Mitchell – 1968- When I was a teenager Chrissie loved this song! I could take it or leave it. It was ok for folk music etc. Then I had Ms 18 & heard it again in a Thirtysomething episode (I used to watch that show at 3pm every day on Lifetime in the 90’s) & as a mother it really struck my heart. For the next 16 years I couldn’t listen to it without crying! Around 2006 I got it from Napster or some such music company & have been listening to it a lot so as to inure myself to the sentimentalism of the song! It’s worked though- I can listen to the song at work – at home- in the car- anywhere & nary a tear falls.

About the pictures: #1. Me in 1982. #2. Me in early 1988. #3. me during home town centennial in 1975 it was a doll parade & my grandmother dressed me as an old fashioned girl- I still think she did an excellent job! #4. Ms 18 in 1991- during the rough summer after my father died- she at least was always a steadying influence. #5 me again in 1993- at the height of my ‘hippieness’ this was taken in the parking lot at a Grateful Dead show in Atlanta GA. #6. My kids in 1999 when mr 9 was barely 4 months old. Note Ms 12’s haircut. This was forced upon me by her getting ahold of a pair of scissors & going to the bathroom & cutting a 3 inch wide space of hair nearly to her scalp I merely did damage control!

74. Hurt ~ Nine Inch Nails or Johnny Cash- 1994/2002-I like both versions- (I’ll admit that I had never heard the NIN version until this summer)- up in MA- WBCN played it while we were there this summer. I had been exposed to the Johnny Cash version from a few years ago when the video was in heavy rotation on VH1’s morning show- which I would often watch while I ate my breakfast before leaving for work- back when I worked a mid shift & didn’t have to leave until 10 am.

73. Today ~ Smashing Pumpkins - 1993-just a happy song for me- I know the lyrics are darker than the chorus suggests – I like it anyway. I mostly remember it – when it was already more than a few years old but when I had just purchased the Smashing Pumpkins greatest hits & was listening to it non stop. I was just barely beginning to come out of the funk that my divorce had put me in- I had the basics covered- could make the lot rent- had bought a decent used car & wasn’t constantly in & out of the garage. It just sums up how I like to try to feel every day. Like it couldn’t be any better & all is just fine!

72. Champagne Supernova ~ Oasis – 1996 -This one was popular right around the time ms 12 was born. I must have heard it ten or fifteen times the weekend before I had her- especially as the ex & I drove to the south shore to visit friends of his for the evening that Friday before the big event. We were going because one friend had called to say that the pizza place he was working at was going to have a live band & he suggested we all go down to see them. My ex is still not terribly mature- taking someone 9 months pregnant to a concert is crazy- but being not terribly mature myself at the time- we figured due to the nature of the place that they wouldn’t play terribly loudly etc. We met another friend of the ex’s -P & his girlfriend there & had a pizza – then it turned out that the band had bailed. Since they didn’t want it to be a wasted trip the ex & his friend P decided to drink. His girlfriend was underage & I – of course- was pregnant so we go to sit there & watch these two fools get drunk doing shots of Goldschlagger. (at least she & I bonded- I hadn’t met this one before) We closed the place down & went back to P’s parent’s house. When we got there- I had to pee. (That’s one of those pregnancy things you know- especially at the end when the whole big baby is sitting on your bladder squeezing it into a container the size of a tomato) When I came out the mother of the friend was standing in the kitchen doorway talking to her son & his girlfriend- I asked where the ex was & P’s mother snorted & said I think he had pressing business outside. I went out side to find my husband kneeling in the front yard next to a largish tree holding onto it for dear life & puking. I held his hair for him (he still had a mullet back then) & a few moments later P thudded down next to us on the other side of the tree & began puking too. They then had a conversation about how much they loved this tree. I poured the ex into the car- drove home (65 miles I might add) & we went to bed. (the song is inextricably linked with the whole Goldschlagger experience in my mind)

71. Games Without Frontiers ~ Peter Gabriel-1980- Jeux Sans Frontières, I’ve loved this song for as long as I’ve known it- which would be around 1984.

70. Blaze of Glory ~ Bon Jovi- 1990- when this song came out I was a stay at home mom of ms 18. we lived with my Grandmother & I got most of my new music exposure from watching MTV & VH1 on the black & white tv we had in our living room downstairs (my Grandmother had a larger- color tv in her room. I didn’t care about tv enough to mind) So this song got stuck in my head & grew on me & for a few weeks I’d just burst out with ’shot DOWN in a blaze of glory’ at random intervals. One day – as I was washing the dishes & chatting with my grandmother who was sitting at the table with 18- who was about 7 months old at the time) propped in her baby seat on the table in front of her. My grandmother turned to 18 sighed & said in a conversational tone ‘I’m not sure what’s wrong with your mother but I’ll keep an eye on you when she’s committed’

69. Drift & Die ~ Puddle of Mudd- 2001- I admit to feeling rather adrift when this song came out. This one- if I remember correctly was the one which prompted ms 18 to tell me when I was teasing her about her pop radio fetish (which- thank heavens- she has since outgrown) That everything I listened to was dark & depressing. (she cited Stained- Alice in Chains & Soundgarden in her defense & while I can’t exactly disagree I don’t exactly find them to be terribly dark & depressing.)

68. Crazy Mary ~ Pearl Jam- 1993 This song – as you’ll see if you click on the link was recorded by Pearl Jam for a benefit CD for the woman who wrote the song. I just remember it being on the radio all the time that golden summer & Fall of 1993. Before the ex & I were married & we lived together with ms 18 in a trailer here in VA. Very sweet memories of a lot of really happy times. Before reality descended like a plague of locusts.

67. Seven Nation Army ~ White Stripes- 2003-In the fall of 2004 I changed from working 4 – 10 hour days a week to 5 – 8 hour days (sort of what I’ve just done recently) my hours were the horrendous (for me at least) 7 am to 3:30pm. (I am SO not a morning person- this schedule meant that I was leaving for work at approximately 5:45 am) Many days while driving to work & hearing this song I felt like it was going to take a seven nation army to force me to go there.

66. Vasoline ~ Stone Temple Pilots- 1994-’Flies in the Vasoline we are- sometimes it blows my mind’ another one which when it came out was just a cool song & then- in later years as I got older I realized how appropriate the lyrics are to my life.

65. Silent Lucidity ~ Queensryche- 1990-Just a pretty song. Though it does reference historically a time in my life shortly after my father died- when my grandmother & I still lived together but she was in Rockland with my mother & I was in Haverhill with 18 & Chrissie & her boyfriend came to stay with me & Then got their own apartment in Haverhill. Weird times all around.

64. Hypnotize ~ System of A Down- 2005- I am always amazed at how many people don’t listen to newer music. Like my ex- or people who are younger than me who I encounter at work. Who when they ask me what I’m listening to on my MP3 player don’t know who System of a Down or Filter (for instance) are. Another of my favorites.

63. The Weight ~ The Band-1968- More memories than you can shake a stick at- I can remember being 2 or 3 & hearing this song- It was in constant play when I came to VA the second time- in February of 1993 & was among the major songs in the soundtrack to my life that year & ‘94.

62. Hunger Strike~ Temple of the Dog-1991- Yes- I am a fan of Seattle style grunge music. I admit it.

61. House of the Rising Sun ~ Animals-1964- I’ve always loved this song- as far back as I can remember & recently seeing an old 1964 movie on Showtime called top of the pops & seeing The Animals perform it increased my love.

60. Life is Beautiful ~ Sixx A.M.-2007- Last winter I was playing a song lyric guessing game with a co-worker. I used a line from this song which I like quite well. He couldn’t guess it but called it trite. When I told him who it was he wrote back ” I take that comment about it being trite back- I’m impressed that it’s coherent” Just thought I’d share that snicker since I don’t have any stirring memories.

59. Silent All these Years ~ Tori Amos-1992- Only 2 times has this happened to me: I saw a video on TV & the very next day went out purchased the recording. First it was “Welcome to the Jungle” I saw the video exactly once & went to the store & purchased Appetite for Destrction (pretty much the last actual vinyl album I ever bought new too) I saw the video for Silent all these Years on VH1 one time & a couple of days later while out shopping I bought Little Earthquakes. Being trained in piano I can really appreciate Tori Amos’ piano work & am still impressed that she’s out there playing. Pretty much my love for her extends only to this CD & Under the Pink. The other ones haven’t appealed very much I’m afraid.

58. Let It Die ~ Foo Fighters-2008- Sometimes I wonder about the aspect of my personality which so loves these ‘yearning after an expired relationship’ songs because there isn’t a single male-female relationship in my past which I am crazy enough to want to revisit. Still this type of song gets me every time!

57. Once in A Lifetime ~ Talking Heads-1980- I like this song in the same way I like the Alter Bridge song- I consider the lyrics uplifting & somewhat inspirational. This song is also memorable because the video for it was the first one I ever saw on tv. Back in the 80’s there was the Canadian SCTV- also the homeplace of Bob & Doug Mackenzie. Perpetrators of my kid’s favorite Christmas funny thing (well 18 likes the Cheech & Chong one better truly- but the youngsters think Bob & Doug are hilarious) So weekly my brother & father stayed up to see SCTV. I tuned in less often but happened to be passing through as this video came on. Ben was unimpressed & found it ‘weird & stupid’ if I remember correctly- he actually wanted to change the channel on the tv but I insisted on watching the whole thing. Little did we know within a year we’d both be obsessively watching “Friday Night Videos” & some terrible half hour long daily show on channel 25 for videos. And waiting impatiently for cable tv to come to our town.

56. On the turning Away ~ Pink Floyd-1987- I worked for a pizza chain in 1987- 88 & 89. Papa Ginos to be exact. Roughly in the middle of that time a manager came to work with us named Katie- she was rumored to be a big bitch. I didn’t mind her at first- until she impressed me with this song by insisting I tell her what it was about so she ‘could be sure I really really got it’ She was exceptionally annoying because when I went to the place next door (the 99) & bought a piece of cheesecake for my dinner one night (I was at the low end of my weight spectrum & so would often eat something like that as the only solid food I had all day) she nagged me to death calling me a piglet & decadent while I was eating it. I for one- was not sorry to see her go- though I’m glad she introduced me to this song because I hadn’t cared for the other single ‘learning to fly’ from this CD & wasn’t really prepared to listen to the rest of the CD.

55. Take Me Home- Country Roads ~ John Denver-1971- Another early memory. This one is one of those which always makes me think moving to SW Virginia was somewhat past life related or karmic. When I was a baby & a young kid (up to about 9 or 10) my father had a friend who’s step daughter was just my age- we played together a lot- her dad & mom didn’t always work & so day trips to Brant Rock beach in Marshfield were common occurrences. It was on the way home from one of those trips that I heard this song for what I guess was the first time ever. When they sang the ‘blue ridge mountains’ part chills went down my back. This happened every time I heard the song from then until about 2001.

54. Baby You’re a Rich Man ~ Beatles-1967- In the late ’70’s to early ’80’s at least once a year channel 56 in Boston would run Yellow Submarine on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon- it was about the only time I recall my mother sitting in the living room & watching anything with us there. It was a family event & this song along with Elanor Rigby are my favorite songs from the movie & some of my favorite Beatles songs in general.

53. Crimson & Clover ~ Joan Jett-1983- Oh lord this song is old! (not even thinking of the original by Tommy James & the Shondells) I can remember listening to it on the last VW bug my father had on AM radio while I was riding with him during his work day ( he drove around & sold coffee & coffee makers to offices)

52. Paint it Black ~ Rolling Stones- 1966- About the only Stones song I’ll sit through. I like the sentiment.

51. I’m a Loser ~ Beck-1993- This one reminds me of the winter after the ex & I were married. We had been married all of 6 weeks when his parents- brother & sisters & other family came to live with us during their transition from MA to VA (8 adults & 4 kids in a 2 bedroom trailer anyone?) It did not go well at all & within 3 weeks we were the bad guys & they were gone (all except the only people who could see our point of view- my ex’s cousin & her soon to be husband- who was also my ex’s best friend)

50. Solsbury Hill ~ Peter Gabriel-1977- I read that Peter Gabriel had a weird experience on top of Solsbury hill in the UK. Given the lyrics of this song I would imagine it must have been very weird indeed- I just think it’s a beautiful song.

About the pictures: #1- Ms 18 & Ms 12 within 3 days of 12’s birth. #2 18 at approximately 8 months. #3 Chrissie- Ms 18 & myself at Colleen’s house 1993. #4 12 & 9 in 2005 when they were 9 & 6 respectively- first day at the new house -where we still reside. #5 Me 1992. Me 1974.

So I thought a lot about what to do with these- this was a hard list to create- even before the whole thing disappeared I was having issues- they’ve just been made worse by the list having to be rewritten.
I found that what song was number one or even number 99 changed with my mood from day to day- both times I put the list together.
It was also very hard to narrow down to 99 too. It would really have to be something closer to my 999 to begin to do justice to the part music plays in my life.
Listing songs brought up more songs- it didn’t help that the anal-retentive part of me insisted I assign the year the song was released to each song too!
Which meant that in finding out that ‘the 59th street bridge song’ by Paul Simon was released in 1966 on wikipedia caused a recent picture of Paul to bring to mind ‘You can Call me Al’ – which is yet another of my favorites.
I know from checking out the links for this that some people chose to talk about some songs in a historical sense- some chose to talk about nearly every song & some did not discuss them at all in a personal history sense. I’m probably going to run on in gory detail as to why I love these particular songs.

99. Unskinny Bop ~ Poison. 1991 A very random one here- I had to drive my grandmother- mother & ms 18 (when she was 17 months old) to Maine. Not just over the border- but way up there- 150+ miles up there I had seen the video for this song a few times but wasn’t sure yet about it. Since my mother didn’t want to drive & I wasn’t terribly enthused about it (I was 21 at this point folks & I’ve never claimed to be mature) I said fine- if I have to drive- I get to choose the music. Of course- traveling this far the radio stations faded in & out constantly so I was changing stations often & it seemed about 10 minutes after I’d find a station they’d start playing this song! It grew on me- what can I say.

98. Stone in Love ~ Journey. 1981 Ah Journey- soundtrack of my teeny bopper years. I bought Escape & Foreigner Four on the same snowy February day in 1982. While on a trip to the illustrious Hanover Mall with my (now former) friend J. We were cool alright- with our poofy hair & mary janes on our feet.

97. Time for me to Fly ~ REO Speedwagon. 1978 Horrible – Horrible night in Hull with Chrissie- a boyfriend of hers & many other people who really didn’t want to be involved in the drama. I like the song now though. I just try not to think too far back to when I first heard it!

96. Lawyers Guns & Money ~ Warren Zevon. 1978 It never ceases to amaze me that when people say Warren Zevon most people think Werewolves of London- not his best effort in the least.

95. Sheep Go to Heaven ~ Cake. 1999 28 years old- pregnant with my third kid- still driving a 1984 Mustang it was an ugly year- what can I say.

94. Landslide ~ Fleetwood Mac. Do not say Dixie Chicks to me in relation to this song. (although the video was pretty)

93. Change ~ Blind Melon. 1993 ‘when life is hard- you have to change’ no one said these were the 99 deepest songs I love.

92. Rise Today ~Alter Bridge. 2007 A newer favorite- I admit to being easily influenced in music & uplifting lyrics which make me feel less downtrodden & workaday.

91. Hate me ~ Blue October. 2006 Still my ring tone for my ex husband. Just love this song. And then the video brings out a whole different dimension.

90. The Breakup Song Greg Kihn. 1981 No they don’t write them like that anymore.

89. Comedown ~ Bush. 1995 This is apparently- a difficult song to sing. My ex considered himself a singer & in 1996 got involved with a bunch of guys who wanted to start a band. They allowed him to sing for awhile. But as usual- when it comes to Rock & Roll- egos got in the way & he was booted. Before he was booted they all agreed to do this song. We listened to it continuously because the timing has to be just right. Luckily I like it. A lot.

88. Pepper ~ Butthole Surfers. 1996 ms 12’s cradle song. It came out that summer she was born & it just stuck to me like glue.

87. Pictures of Matchstick Men ~ Status Quo. 1968 I was surprised to find out last year that this song came out in 1968- the year I was born. Must have learned it in the cradle because in the 1980’s when Camper Van Beethoven did a remake- I had chills & have loved it (perhaps again) ever since.

86. Feelin’ Groovy (59th Street Bridge Song)~ Simon & Garfunkel. 1966 Another one from my early childhood- but I know they played this on Sesame Street in 1969 & 1970 so I know how I got to know & love it.

85. Color Blind ~ Counting Crows. 1999 Not a terribly well known song on the radio it’s from the soundtrack of Cruel Intentions – it took Ms 18 being obsessed with it for me to find that out.

84. American Pie ~ Don McClaine. 1971 One Saturday afternoon in 1981 I was listening to the radio-(a random local radio station which went country a few weeks later) They mostly played oldies & this song came on. I had the oddest feeling. I knew every word before it was said. The Chevy- the levy- all of it. But I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I had never heard this song before. A year later I was working at the local high school radio station (they let me have a show because – although I was not in high school- being homeschooled – I was available during the day- so I sat with the reel to reel tapes 2 or 3 days a week from 1 to 3 so the station manager could go to meetings & play golf- in exchange I got the 1 to 3 time slot on Wednesdays) And I played American Pie. At dinner that night my father who -like a good father- had been listening to me on the radio in the car while driving around doing his salesman’s job- asked why I played that particular song. I explained about hearing it the year before & liking it (I didn’t say anything about the precognitive type thing which had happened with the lyrics) He said he wasn’t surprised because when I was about 2 years old I knew all the lyrics. My mother seconded this so I guess it’s true – but I have no recollection of that particular part of it. Other memories with this song include Chrissie & I singing it a-capela for my friend Kim to prove that we could & singing it repetitively while mowing the lawn on the ride-on mower when 18 was very young & we lived with my grandmother.

83. Murder ~ David Gilmore. 1984 I loved this song when it first came out- it was the first song I ever bought online too- because I hadn’t heard it in years & it was built up in my head so I had to hear it again- it was worth it.

82. Love is a Stranger ~Eurythmics. 1982 Loved it in 1983 when the video was more than a little revolutionary & love it even more now because I actually understand the emotions & feelings described now.

81. Dead or Alive ~ Bon Jovi. 1986 Yeah. I would’ve graduated in 1986 if I hadn’t been homeschooled- what of it?

80. Iris ~ Goo Goo Dolls. 1996 I remember listening to this song during a party at our first home when we moved back to VA in 1997- with my mother in law. It was a party night – which means we had probably 4 couples plus kids ranging from 15 down to miss 12 (who was 15 months old when we moved back to VA) running around. My MIL and I weren’t heavy drinkers but alternate substances had been imbibed that evening & she told me the lines about “I don’t want the world to see me – cause I don’t think that they’d understand” were really where her head was at the time. It’s a beautiful song.

79. Violet ~ Hole. 1994 Words which still run chills up & down my spine: “go on take everything- take everything- I want you to” sums up entirely too many parts of my life to even begin to describe. And then the “they get what they want & they never want it again” well -yeah- been there too.

78. I Wish you Were Here ~ Incubus. 2002 I have known my ex husband for a very long time- I’m 39 & I’ve known him since I was 13. you do the math. When we divorced everything was ok for awhile. About the first 8 or 9 months. We still spoke on the phone for an hour or so a week every week etc. Then he got a girlfriend. We talked once a month. Then he got married to the girlfriend. We didn’t talk for 3-4 month intervals & when we did he picked fights & threatened to take the kids away. after 3 years of this he tried to make some amends. The wife was pregnant. They wanted to visit- the trailer the kids & I lived in was horrific in it’s decay & damage (much of which the ex had done himself- he left us there- it didn’t improve in the nearly 4 years he’d been gone) I knew he couldn’t come there so I suggested we all go camping. The camping trip was strained- uncomfortable & confusing. I did not know this guy who was talking to my kids & walking hand & hand to the bathrooms with his pregnant wife. He was not the same guy. I sat back for the 4 days of the trip & let the kids interact with their dad. They fished- swam- played mini golf. I read my book & floated on my back in the center of the pool looking at the mountains around me (A Wonderful Life Campground- if you live in VA or are coming here- check this place out- it is gorgeous.) and all through it ‘Wish You Were Here’ played through my mind because that guy over there was not my brother’s best friend- the guy who defied friends & family alike to get involved with me – 5 years older than him with a kid already- ‘threw his life away’ at 18 to do it too- & then the next year- married me. Not. The. Same. Guy. I don’t know who that guy was to this day. (the ex has since divorced & last year the person I used to know was back- as a friend at least- though I don’t trust him for a second- at least we can talk again)

77. Find Your Way Back ~ Jefferson Airplane. 1981 um. Nice song- always appealed to me – not sure why.

76. Thick As a Brick~ Jethro Tull. 1972 When I met 18’s dad- we had a whirlwind courtship & very soon after we met I was living in the same place as him (it was a rooming house- I had my own room- we never actually shared a ‘place’ just a roof.) He was 8 years my senior & though I already knew a lot of the music he loved (we both listed Led Zeppelin as our favorite band for instance) he introduced me to a lot of songs I hadn’t really heard before. This was one of them. (I admit- the addendum which I’ve since learned every guy puts on there ‘like my dick’ was only funny the first time I heard it & grew very old in the repeating) Then- in later months when I was pregnant with 18 & we played the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ game & the ‘I’m not ready to be a dad again’ game. I became inclined to believe he was thick as a brick. In the head.

75. Change ~ John Waite. 1982 Never have seen Vision Quest. Don’t want to. I think it’s a measure of how good the song is & how bad the movie is that it got considerable airplay on my radio station of choice but never once did they mention that it was associated with a movie. Any movie.

About the pictures: #1. My mother- grandmother Ms 18 & myself 1991 on top of a mountain in Union Maine. #2 Chrissie- her daughter- Sami & myself- you can just barely see the top of Ms 12’s head (she was 3 then) 1999- I was about 7 months pregnant with mr 9 at the time. #3. Me 1982. #4. Me 1986. #5. The whole fam camping 2004- the ex- his ex- Chrissie’s daughter Sami taken by 18 who did not want to be in the picture at all! #6 18’s dad & I- 4th of July cookout 1989.